Friday, August 23, 2013
Mario
"I like to make love once, not many times in a row. Girls always tell me they've made love for hours, and I would say I have better things to do than have sex all fucking day." Mario tells me while sitting on his couch in his studio apartment. Hearing this gives me a sense of compassion, because past partners of mine have scrutinized me for the same. I too enjoy sex, but once a day maybe twice if spread out.
As we sit there alone drinking beer I think how I wish I were more attracted to him. I think about how as I get older, I am becoming more and more picky. Then I think of Drake, and the hurt and humiliation, the regret and shame I felt from us having sex. These thoughts make me feel more distant and turned off by Mario.
I know Mario really wants to have sex with me, I also know he hasn't been will a woman for over a year and here I sit with my hair braided and my makeup done up to go out for the night. I would want me too. Despite my dis-attraction I wonder what it would be like to at least kiss him, so to feel passion. "You can kiss me if you want to", I tell him. I can tell he is surprised after how far away I sat on the small love seat sofa. He comes closer and kisses me. Its a nice kiss but disappointed about the lack of passion I felt left me disappointed.
Kissing Drake was honestly the last time I felt such passion as with my first true love when I was 17. I find this extremely confusing because of how awful I treated Drake and how he treated me too. It was as if because I liked him so much and had such strong feelings for him, I had to push him away.
My heart is broke,. I feel incapable of letting a man love me because they have hurt me so much.
As we sit there alone drinking beer I think how I wish I were more attracted to him. I think about how as I get older, I am becoming more and more picky. Then I think of Drake, and the hurt and humiliation, the regret and shame I felt from us having sex. These thoughts make me feel more distant and turned off by Mario.
I know Mario really wants to have sex with me, I also know he hasn't been will a woman for over a year and here I sit with my hair braided and my makeup done up to go out for the night. I would want me too. Despite my dis-attraction I wonder what it would be like to at least kiss him, so to feel passion. "You can kiss me if you want to", I tell him. I can tell he is surprised after how far away I sat on the small love seat sofa. He comes closer and kisses me. Its a nice kiss but disappointed about the lack of passion I felt left me disappointed.
Kissing Drake was honestly the last time I felt such passion as with my first true love when I was 17. I find this extremely confusing because of how awful I treated Drake and how he treated me too. It was as if because I liked him so much and had such strong feelings for him, I had to push him away.
My heart is broke,. I feel incapable of letting a man love me because they have hurt me so much.
Drake
I knew him since the 4th grade. He was my first crush, I remember my stomach jumping every time I saw him. I felt suffocated everyday in class. Then the last say of school he asked me out. I said no because then I was smarter and know we were too you.
Ten years later I'm at the market buying a pregnancy test, and there he is- Drake, from the 5th grade. He was still so cute, not chubby like he was but still his face was the same. We chatted and he asked for my number and of course I gave it to him. No call came.
Five years later I was a mother. Drake brought his dog to my sister's dog kennel and she spoke to me about him often-even before I had my daughter who was 2 at the time. Always, my sister would say "Oh Drake brought Sparks today."
Finally after years of these comments and me wondering how Drake was and what he was like as an adult, I asked him to be my friend on Facebook. He accepted and we talked daily.
Ten years later I'm at the market buying a pregnancy test, and there he is- Drake, from the 5th grade. He was still so cute, not chubby like he was but still his face was the same. We chatted and he asked for my number and of course I gave it to him. No call came.
Five years later I was a mother. Drake brought his dog to my sister's dog kennel and she spoke to me about him often-even before I had my daughter who was 2 at the time. Always, my sister would say "Oh Drake brought Sparks today."
Finally after years of these comments and me wondering how Drake was and what he was like as an adult, I asked him to be my friend on Facebook. He accepted and we talked daily.
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